


Not My Will, But Thine, Be Done.

by orphan_account



Category: Mary Russell - Laurie R. King
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-20
Updated: 2010-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-13 22:15:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/142284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>She discovers early on the power of submission.</i></p><p>A character study of Yolanda Chin Adler.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not My Will, But Thine, Be Done.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mercredigirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercredigirl/gifts).



Yolanda Chin discovered early on that there was a certain sublime joy in submission. Her parents sent her away to school when she was young, and the nuns taught their lessons with sharp blows against stinging fingers.

And when she was trapped in a world of horror at too young an age, it had been her escape and her salvation. She submitted completely, and none of the things done were done to her inner self. The daily submission to cruel hands, however, had its cost, and slowly, she lost herself. There was the pain, and the drugs, and then almost nothing at all.

When she was nearly seventeen, loathing herself and in despair, she remembered the peace that came from giving herself completely up to a higher power. She threw herself upon the local mercenaries, their will to be done, their god to follow.

Within three months, she tired of their hypocrisies, their arbitrary rules, and their casual racism. As she lay on the bare floor, staring up at an unadorned cross, despairing and lost, she came to realize that for true satisfaction, she must find a master worthy of her submission.

The next day, she walked to the Buddhist temple down the road, her shoulders held high with the satisfaction of finding her purpose. There, they told her that life is suffering, but that suffering ends when one's craving ends. She knew what her soul called out for, and that the monks could not help her.

Each time a new master failed her, she felt vindicated rather than disappointed: her search would not and should not be fleeting. Something too easily gained was not valued.

There was a brief time with her first husband that she thought her search over. He, too, had spent a great deal of time immersing himself in the religions of world. His faint air of danger spoke of past demons. And he, too, knew his true path.

The Reverend James Hayden gave her a purpose, a child, and a new life, and he became her master and her work. He was beguiling and charismatic. Even his air of danger had an appeal; this was a man who could protect her- a man who could and would do anything that needed doing.

The work of the temple was in itself fascinating- James combined practices from many different faiths, and added in new twists. Membership grew, and Yolanda began to feel as if she had truly found her place.

But then there were troubles, and James began to draw away, and as he did, her old restlessness struck her anew. In trying to separate herself from him, she learned the difference between self-sacrifice and submission, and the high cost of the former. She vowed never to fall into that trap again, and she left her oldest daughter to be raised by Catherine's grandparents.

Yolanda was feeling oddly detached and unsure of herself when Damian came into her life. Damian Adler was a man who had found his master, and that master was art. This was never to be her master, but it was one she could respect, and one that she did not find threatening.

Like the bodhisattvas who remained behind to guide others on the path to nirvana, she helped Damian reach his full potential (though never at the cost of herself). She kept him sober, she sold his paintings, she helped him get his papers. There was enough satisfaction there to keep her soul calm, if not satisfied. But now, older and wiser, she knew what dangers could be found on that path.

Then, there was Estelle. Estelle was a whole new world of self-discovery, in a way that Catherine never had been. Damian, unlike James, was a loving and devoted father, but more importantly, he allowed Yolanda to be a mother in the way she saw fit. It was difficult to find the middle path of involvement as a mother, but she did her best to walk it. Yolanda already knew that one should never make one's parents one's whole world, and that the reverse must hold true as well.

England felt like an adventure and a fresh start all rolled into one. Damian had cautioned her that marriage would almost certainly be necessary, and Yolanda had hesitated. Marriage was a trap she had chewed her way out of before. Damian assured her that it was just paperwork, and he would always allow her to live her life howsoever she chose. It was the "allow" that gave her pause, but Damian was a man of his word. Anyway, she knew her own strength, now. And so they were married, and so they went halfway around the world from the only place Yolanda had only known.

Damian only half-jokingly referred to her continued church hopping as a hobby. To a certain extent, it had become more of a habit than a calling. Among other things, Yolanda enjoyed meeting the other people and deciding what sort of soul they had. Though she should not have been surprised, it still felt like a revelation to find like-minded people in this distant, strange land.

Some were lonely, and sought only like-minded society. Others desired a crutch, as they were afraid of thinking for themselves. Some went only because society expected it, others because they desired some sort of spirituality in their lives.

And there were some kindred souls, like her, who desired to give up everything they were to a perfect master, and finally find their soul's satisfaction. Some even had a look in their eyes that spoke of past traps and dangers.

There were, of course, those who despised her for her race, for her appearance, for her religious wanderings. Both she and Estelle had faced the gamut of undesirable reactions. In some ways, it was the casual racism from the Bohemian crowd that hurt the most. They thought themselves so free and open-minded, and were completely unaware of their unintended cruelties.

She found herself no closer to her life's goal, but her desperate restlessness began to fade. Life as a wife and mother, while not fully satisfying, had a certain amount of peace. And whenever her old desperation came upon her, Damian was happy to look after Estelle while Yolanda went on one of her pilgrimages. She did not find all her answers, but the search was in itself of value.

It was then that the Reverend Thomas Brothers, also known as James Hayden, came back into her life, and nothing was to be the same again.

**Author's Note:**

> Yolanda was a hard character to delve into. We never meet her as a living character, and instead hear about her in stories and from documents... that do not always mesh. I tried to do her justice.


End file.
